Everyone has heard the term “Bridezilla.” That’s a woman who tries to control every detail, major or minor, of her wedding ceremony and reception—sort of like Oprah Winfrey, only without all the goodwill and free stuff.
But have you ever noticed that there’s no male equivalent to Bridezilla? No Groomenstein? No Creature from Men’s Wearhouse? And do you know why that is?
It’s because they don’t exist, that’s why. Grooms are the original Honey Badger—they just don’t give a fuck.
Women may not exactly earn the right to be total flaming bitches in the weeks and days leading up to their nuptials but if you look at a wedding from a bride’s perspective you can sure see why they might get a little tweaked as the day approaches.
For most women (Kim and Britney, you two are excused), their wedding day is one of the biggest days of their life—bigger than the day they get their period or even their first credit card. And there are a million little things that can go wrong and turn a bride’s hour in the spotlight into her day in the barrel.
In the spirit of understanding let’s look at just three things brides have to worry about and grooms (thank god) don’t.
Unless she’s Ellen DeGeneres, a woman dreams of the day she’ll be a princess and walk down the aisle, clad in a cloud of virginal, white girliness, into the arms of her Prince Charming. There are so many dress styles for a woman to choose from—A-Line, Empire, Column—it can be overwhelming. Then, once a woman has chosen the dress, she has to fit into it. This can mean weeks of crash dieting, exercising, and in some cases, taking all nutrition through a nasal feeding tube.
What does a guy have to do? Pick out a tux. How about a nice black one? Sweet! You’re done; let’s go get a beer! Did you ever hear of a guy starving himself so he could get into his tux? Hell, no you haven’t—and you won’t, either. Tux doesn’t fit? Rent a bigger one. Or don’t. You’re a guy—what do you care if it fits? Everyone is going to be looking at the bride anyway.
Here’s another minefield: the bride has to pick out just the right dress for her bridesmaids. It can’t be too ugly, or her BFFs will hate her for making them spend hundreds of bucks on what looks like a clown costume; but it can’t be too pretty either, lest it draw attention away from the woman of the hour.
For the groom it’s a different story. Got groomsmen who can’t afford a tux? No sweat; a suit will do. No suit? Still not an issue; they can just wear some black jeans. No black jeans? No worries; find someone else. Those losers didn’t want to be in the wedding anyway; they just wanted to come to the reception, drink the beer the bride’s father is paying for and, hopefully, bang a drunken bridesmaid.
Who would have guessed that something as pretty as flowers could cause so much grief in a woman’s life? The bride wants all the arrangements to dazzle but they can’t be too over the top or they’ll look cheesy. On the other hand if they’re too plain they’ll look like she cut corners. Finally she has to pick the colors to match those bridesmaids’ dresses.
For the guy? A simple boutonnière is all that is required; if it’s one of those models that squirts water … well, I think “epic” is the word you’re searching for here.
Overall, the logistics of planning a wedding are only slightly less complicated than was planning the D-Day invasion (and remember – D-Day didn’t require a seating chart). Top this off with the knowledge that all her soul mate has to do is show up at the appointed hour, mumble, “I do” a couple of times, and manage to not vomit on the preacher, and it’s no wonder she’s pissed.
Given all this, it’s hard to blame a woman for going bat-shit as her wedding approaches. In fact, it’s a surprise that more women don’t end up on the roof of a tall building with a deer rifle. Or, at the very least, at the altar with a bouquet that squirts water.
This post originally appeared at manpacks.com Photo courtesy manpacks
Funny! Sounds like you have a lot more experience with this subject than you do.