Science is amazing; it’s done things for us that people living 500 years ago couldn’t even imagine. It’s put a man on the moon. It’s cured diseases that once decimated entire continents. It’s even given us blankets with sleeves.

One thing science can’t do, though, is find a man who has never watched porn.

I just read about a team of researchers at the University of Montreal who wanted to compare the views of men who were regular viewers of porn to those of men who had never seen any.

I probably don’t need to tell you what they discovered.

You may recall the story of Diogenes, the Greek philosopher who wandered in vain searching for one honest man. That’s a tall order to fill for sure, but apparently not as difficult as finding a man who had never tried to work a mouse left-handed.

When researchers realized their original aim was pretty much a non-starter, they changed course and decided to study the habits of men who do watch porn. No problem there finding a statistically significant sample size, apparently.

One thing they found was that we watch pornography that matches our own image of sexuality, and discard material we find offensive or distasteful – things like plot, story line and character development. Seriously – if we want to see that kind of crap, we can watch Downton Abbey.

Another finding was that single men watch porn for an average of 40 minutes, three times a week, while those in relationships watched it 1.7 times a week for around 20 minutes – 20 minutes being (purely coincidental, I am sure) the duration of the average woman’s shower.

Researcher Simon Lajeunesse said that porn did not have a negative effect on men’s sexuality. “Pornography hasn’t changed their perception of women or their relationship, which they all want to be as harmonious and fulfilling as possible,” he added. Of course he is correct — especially if harmony and fulfillment involve 18-year-old blonde twins, a set of handcuffs and a tub of Cool-Whip, am I right, guys?

And speaking of online porn research (I do it so you don’t have to), it turns out that the day of the year we’re least likely to watch pornography is a holiday.

The Website Pornhub — which I understand allows free access to millions of X-rated videos — analyzed their U.S. traffic in 2012 recently to determine when they had the highest and lowest number of viewers.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the day when porn is least viewed is Christmas. Pornhub theorizes this is likely due to the distractions of too much food and too many presents. More likely, it’s too much family and no damned privacy – but that’s just my guess.