If you know anything about Oklahoma (not that you should) you know that it’s pretty much the buckle on the Bible Belt. The good folks of Oklahoma love their God, their guns and their OU football.
They also are fierce defenders of the Constitution and all it stands for. They love freedom of speech (Benghazi!) and their right to bear arms, so they can buy rocket-propelled grenade launchers to protect their homes and families from liberals and homosexuals.
They’re also huge believers in the Constitutionally guaranteed freedom of religion, and they’ll defend that freedom vigorously — right up to the point that some weirdo tries to actually exercise it.
Today, some of the good folks in my home state are all in a righteous tizzy. Not because the price of armor-piercing bullets has gone through the roof. Not even because Hillary Clinton still isn’t in jail (Benghazi!). No sir, they got their god-lovin’ knickers in a twist because a Satanic group from Babylon-on-the-Hudson wants to erect a statue of Satan on the grounds of the Oklahoma State Capitol.
The New York-based Satanic Temple has put in an application to erect a seven-foot-tall statue of Lucifer in the guise of Baphomet. In a rendering of the statue they want, he’s pictured as a seven-foot-tall goat-headed figure with horns, wings and a long beard (Picture Ann Coulter, only shorter. And more feminine.). In the rendering, he’s sitting in a pentagram-adorned throne with two smiling children next to him. The kids probably look like Sasha and Malia but it’s hard to tell.
The Satanic Temple argues that the state legislature opened the door for the statue when it gave the thumbs-up to a privately funded Ten Commandments monument on the north steps of the Capitol building in 2012. A Hindu leader in Nevada, an animal rights group and the satirical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have also made similar requests for monuments elsewhere. (I am totally not making this up.)
Needless to say, the idea of a statue of the prince of darkness has not gone over well in the Sooner State.
State representative Don Armes summed it up pretty succinctly when he said, “I think we need to be tolerant of people who think different than us, but this is Oklahoma.”
And if you’re one of those malcontents who thinks that erecting a statue of Lucifer on the Capitol grounds is protected by the Constitution, Bryan Fischer went on the radio to school your godless ass. In addition to being a total douche canoe, Fischer is head of the American Family Association, a group that opposes abortion, national health care, environmentalism, gay adoption and same-sex marriage. His quaint views on homosexuality have prompted the Southern Poverty Law Center to designate the AFA as a hate group.
In a recent radio broadcast, Fischer broke it down most eloquently:
“Our Constitution protects the free exercise of the Christian religion; yours is not a Christian expression, we’re not going to have that monument. If we don’t understand the word ‘religion’ to mean Christianity as the founders intended it, then we have no way to stop Islam, we have no way to stop Satanism, we have no way to stop any other sort of sinister religion practice that might creep onto the fruited plains.”
Got that, you Prius-driving commies? “Religion” means “Christianity” and Islam and other non-Jesus-based cults are “sinister.” Not sure how fruited Fischer’s plains are, but they’re nutty as pecan pie.
In response to this philosophical pissing match, the Oklahoma Capitol Preservation Commission placed a moratorium on considering any new requests.
“Anybody can still make their request, but we’ll hold off on considering them until the lawsuit is adjudicated,” commission chairman Trait Thompson said. “What the hell is wrong with people?” he did not add, but you gotta know he was thinking it.