Some parents tell their kids, “This is America – you can be anything you want to be.” Theoretically, this is true. “You can be president!” Yes, unless you’re a Jewish Democratic Socialist. “You can be a professional football player!” Of course you can, if you’re a genetic freak with a taste for steroids. “You can be a mermaid!” More…
Taking a much-needed break, my wife spent the weekend in a cabin near Rock Springs with her posse. We don’t spend a lot of time apart and when we do, it really underlines the differences between the two of us; while she and her girlfriends were going for leisurely hikes and cooking gourmet meals I was back in Austin, doing as little as possible by day and grubbing for stray Crunch ‘n Munch in the sofa cushions at night.
I’m not left to my own devices very often or for very long, and it’s probably a good thing. Every time I am left unattended, I am amazed at how quickly I devolve from a fairly high-functioning humanoid to a sort of Gollum with a Roku box. Going feral so quickly makes me wonder if other married guys are similar. Accordingly, I devised a brief survey for my fellow married men. Have fun!
1) When your wife is away, the first thing you reach for when you wake up is:
- The framed wedding photo from your nightstand
- Two aspirin and a big glass of water
- Very quietly, your pants and car keys
- Pistol and one bullet
If you answered 1, you’re a sap. Deduct five points and grow a pair. If you answered 4, deduct 10 points, grow a pair, and quit watching the Oxygen Channel. If you answered 3, you’re a very naughty boy; deduct 15 points and behave yourself if you plan to keep your pair. The only acceptable answer here is 2 – add 10 points.
2) Which of the following best describes your typical breakfast when your wife is away:
- Coffee and toast
- Yogurt and fresh fruit, garnished with a sprig of mint
- Sushi that spent night on kitchen counter
- Double espresso and bong hit
If you answered 1, you’re a sensible guy – and by sensible I mean boring. Deduct five points. If you answered 2, you should not be taking this quiz, because you are clearly gay – but add five points for being fabulous. The correct answers here are 4, followed by 3 — because the bong rip gave you the munchies. Add 10 points (and well done).
3) Which of the following best describes your typical dinner when your wife is away:
- A healthy balance of all the recommended food groups
- Requires a microwave and a spork
- Comes out of a keg
- Fuck dinner
If you answered 1, you are boring beyond belief and might as well be married, since you have no reason to be single; deduct 5 points. If you answered 2, nicely done, and add 5 points. If you answered 3, very well played indeed, sir, and please add 10 points. If you answered 4 because of 3, your bachelor kung fu is still strong, Grasshopper; give yourself 15 points and take a well-earned nap.
4) Which of the following best describes your television viewing habits when your wife is away:
- The Godfather
- The Godfather Part II
- The Godfather Part III
- All of the above (and porn – duh)
Do I really need to tell you how to score this one?
5) In your wife’s absence, how often do you:
- Make bed
- I thought you said my wife was out of town
Please see 4.
6) How many of the following do you typically need to get done before your wife returns? Please list them in order of their impact on your long-term happiness and / or your continuing to breathe in and out.
- Mow lawn
- Clean house
- Buy flowers, card
- Clear browser history
- Repair drywall
- Make bond
- Retain attorney
- Establish credible alibi
- Join witness protection plan
No scoring here – these are just a few reminders.
7) Here’s the final part of the survey. Your score here can make or break you, so please answer honestly. Deduct five points if you have taken the hand lotion from the bathroom to any other location in the house. Deduct another 10 if you actually left it right next to the computer. Take off a further 15 points if you’ve ever had to make a trip the store solely to replace a depleted bottle of hand lotion; however, add 50 points if your wife was only gone overnight.