(STEVE, a senior in high school, enters a kitchen where two middle-aged men, DAVE and BARRY, are standing at the sink washing dishes and chatting.)
STEVE: Hey dad … dad … what’s up?
DAVE: Oh, just doing the dishes …
BARRY: … What’s up with you, June bug? I know that look – something’s bugging you, huh?
DAVE: Stevie, if it’s about your Martha Stewart Living subscription, I’m sorry I let it lapse. It’s just that I’ve been so busy with the Opera League …
STEVE: No, dad — it’s not about Martha. This is something really important.
BARRY: Well, if it’s about the new Jimmy Choo store, that’s old news. I heard that at the salon last week.
STEVE: No, guys, could you shut up for a second and listen? This is really big and it’s really tearing me up inside.
BARRY: Son, I’ve never seen you this upset – not even when you got ballet lessons instead of a go-cart for Christmas. What’s bugging you, guy?
STEVE: Well, there’s something we need to talk about.
DAVE: (mock seriously) I’ll say there is! Just look at those eyebrows! (winks at BARRY). Would it kill to you to pluck them just a little?
BARRY: OK, what’s so important that we’re missing “Glee?”
STEVE: Well, there’s … I … uh … well, I haven’t been really open and honest with you.
DAVE: So it was you who trashed my Adam Lambert CD? And here I’ve been blaming your dad.
STEVE: Well, I know you guys have raised me with certain … well … expectations … and … oh you are gonna be so disappointed in me – even worse than that time I wore brown and black together.
DAVE: Disappointed? How could we ever be disappointed in you, son?
BARRY: Your dad’s right. C’mon – what’s bugging you?
STEVE: OK, then — I guess the best thing is to just come right out and say it. Dad … dad … I’m … well, I’m not gay!
(DADS GASP AUDIBLY – THEN, STUNNED SILENCE. Finally, BARRY speaks)
DAVE: What … what did he just say?
BARRY: Holy shit! I never saw that coming!
DAVE: Oh you didn’t, huh?
BARRY: Hell, no – never in a million years would I have guessed my son …
DAVE: Excuse me — our son.
BARRY: Right – our son would turn out … you know …
STEVE: Straight? Is that the word you’re looking for?
BARRY: Well, I wasn’t going to put it that way but …
STEVE: But that’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it? Isn’t it?
BARRY: Steve, gimme a break, huh? This is a hell of a surprise. And I gotta say, for a straight guy you’re sure a drama queen!
DAVE: Oh, so you’re surprised, huh? Never saw this coming, did you?
BARRY: What? Of course I’m surprised! What are you saying?
DAVE: Oh nothing. Just … who brought him home in a blue blanket? To a blue nursery? And blue onesies?
STEVE: Hey, I like blue! I mean, I like pink too, but blue’s cool!
BARRY (To Steve): Honey, you know pastels make your ass look fat. (To Dave): And who insisted he get a baseball glove and not an Easy-Bake Oven?
DAVE: Oh, please! Don’t try to pin this all on me!
BARRY: Well, if the Pradas fit, honey …
DAVE: Well, if we’re dredging up ancient history here, who surprised him with a BMX bike — when we had both agreed on drama camp?
BARRY: Yes, and who insisted he be allowed to play football in junior high – and not even soccer, but AMERICAN FOOTBALL!
STEVE: Hey guys – remember: a football scholarship is sending me to UCLA …
DAVE: Stevie, please – your dad and I are talking. Yeah, OK, I sorta pushed him into football. But who bought him a BB gun for his birthday?
BARRY: Listen, I had a BB gun when I was a kid and …
DAVE: Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard all this before. “I had a BB gun when I was a kid and look how I turned out – gayer than a purple Miata. Blah blah blah.” Spare me.
STEVE: (Laughing) Gayer than a purple Miata?! That’s fucking hyster …
DAVE: Stevie?! Talking here!
BARRY: Stevie, listen – this is probably just some kind of crazy phase you’re going through. You know, when I was your age I fooled around with one of my sister’s friends. But that didn’t mean …
DAVE: You what?
STEVE: You did?
BARRY: We’ve talked about this …
DAVE: Like hell we have!
BARRY: Well … look – I was 13, horny as hell, and this girl had snuck some beers out of her parents’ house …
DAVE: Oh my god – please! Spare me the details!
STEVE: My dad banged a girl? Did I wake up in Bizarro World?
DAVE: Stevie? For the last time, hun …
BARRY: You know what? This whole argument is fucking stupid. I have nothing to prove to you. And you seriously need to get a grip.
DAVE: Get a grip? Did you just tell me to get a grip? Do either of you have any idea of what’s going to happen when this gets around? What our friends are going to say? And I can sure as shit kiss my seat on the symphony board good-bye.
STEVE: You know, I can’t believe I’m hearing this! The two people I love most in the world worrying about what people will think when it gets around that their son’s not a little light in the loafers.
BARRY, DAVE: What?! I don’t …
STEVE: I can’t fucking believe this! My parents … Mr. and Mr. Anything Goes free-thinkers … are closet heterophobes! Sorry, guys, but I’m out of here.
DAVE: Well, hun …
DAVE: Looks like we may end up as grandparents anyway.
BARRY: (Heavy sigh): Yeah, looks like. Good thing I kept that leftover blue paint.
DAVE: Don’t you start on me!
This sketch was written for and produced by The New Movement Theater