Men, help make America great (or at least less girly) again 7

It’s no secret that our country is in bad shape. We’re a nation divided as never before, Donald Trump may well be our next president, and to top it off, Justin Bieber just got a Grammy nod  for record of the year.

grow-a-setBut I’m not here to address those problems. What I would like to talk about is the pussification of the American male.

More and more, American men are looking like American women. Granted, there’s a fine line between looking like a wimp and not. And it’s a tricky play, too—try too hard to look masculine and you end up looking like a member of a Village People. But you don’t have to wear cammies and carry an assault  rifle to not look like a wimp. Just avoid a few things and you should be fine.

As a public service, I’ve compiled a brief list.

Skin-tight jeans: Snug is one thing, but when you look like your lower body has been dipped in blue paint, you might want to rethink your look. This is especially true in an age in which so many young guys have the physique of pre-pubescent girls. My suggestion: Get a full-length mirror and do an honest assessment of your ass. If, from the waist down, you look like a turkey leg in tiny Lululemons, maybe Hammer pants are for you.

Capri pants: This is sort of an addendum to the above. Pants that are too tight look girly, and so do pants that are too short. If you want to rock the ‘60s look, aim for Steve McQueen, not Mary Tyler Moore.

Man buns. AKA bro bun, brun. If you’re not auditioning for a part in a Kurosawa movie, the brun is a non-starter.

Anything with ears. Headphones, stocking caps, hoodies, whatever. Unless you’re a Sioux medicine man or a Viking, headwear with ears should be avoided.

UGGs: The fact that two out of three UT coeds are wearing UGGs right now should be a tip-off that they’re girly AF. I posted this opinion on Facebook, and a couple of my female friends quickly jumped to the defense of these Australian abominations. One said it was obvious that I had never tried them, as they are super comfy. That may be true, but women say the same thing about skirts. And guess what?

Another woman said men in UGGs are hot. And I imagine she’s right – hot, and probably hella sweaty. Especially here – this is Austin, not Austria. It seldom gets too cold for flip-flops here, so I don’t get wearing what appears to be après-ski wear to HEB. Pro tip: if it’s cold enough to wear UGGS, don’t; just stay home.

Follow these few simple tips and America will be a better and less girly place. Thank you.

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7 comments

  1. OMG…so perfectly stated, and can I get an AMEN to that?

    On Tue, Dec 6, 2016 at 4:02 PM, Jeff Carmack – comedy writer wrote:

    > Jeff Carmack posted: “It’s no secret that our country is in bad shape. > We’re a nation divided as never before, Donald Trump may well be our next > president, and to top it off, Justin Bieber just got a Grammy nod for > record of the year. But I’m not here to address those prob” >

  2. I refuse to get on board the Ugg train. As a woman of a certain age, just the thought of fleece-lined anything triggers a hot flash. I should pay good money for the chance to have sweaty feet?

  3. How can you say this about American men!?! I consider myself to be quite macho yet I’m offended to the point of tears! This post is sexist and full of micro (and macro) aggressions. I’m going to my safe space now and drink a nice hot herbal tea and whimper.

  4. Oh man, I thought this was going to be totally different. This was hilarious! Although, if they live in the north or near me (wear it was 1 degree last night) I’ll overlook the head-wear with ears.

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