From time to time (and by “time to time” I mean “every time I leave my freakin’ house”) I am amazed by some young person’s appearance.

That’s not surprising. I’m old and that’s part of the deal with being a dinosaur—we’re appalled by young people and their habits, and we feel entitled to mock them. I know the fashion decisions I made back in the day were just as cringe-inducing but, since there’s not a lot of upside to being a senior citizen (discount at IHOP? Bitch, please), I am not going to be denied this simple pleasure.

So, without further ado, here’s a small handful of things I hate (and get off my goddam lawn!).

Beards
Lots of guys (even non-ISIS members) are rocking beards these days. From every barista you’ve ever seen to the disgraced chocolatiers the Mast Brothers (and don’t even get me started on fey young dudes who make artisanal anything), Old Testament prophet facial hair is de rigueur for a certain class of man.

Guys, did you ever wonder why men in the olden days had those crazy beards? It’s the same reason they wiped their asses with their hands – they didn’t have any options. However, you do. We’ve made huge strides in personal hygiene since the Bronze Age, so take advantage of them. You’ll thank me one day (but don’t expect me to shake your hand).

Beards and bald heads
Unless you are Shel Silverstein, just stop it. Also, google Shel Silverstein. You’re welcome.

TOMS shoes
A word to the wise for people who are so young they have not had enough time to wear out a pair of shoes: buy a pair of real shoes (and by real, I mean shoes made out of leather, not twine and old PBR boxes) and wear them for every occasion (work, play, Himalayan trekking, running with the bulls) for 10 years. At the end of the decade you will have a pair of shoes that look exactly like a pair of TOMS straight out of the box. This will save you money and also keep you from looking like a homeless person for 10 years.

While I’m ragging on TOMS shoes, I gotta get this off my chest. For every pair of shoes they sell, TOMS donates a pair to a child in need. This is an admirable act, to be sure. But poor kids already have fucked-up shoes, so I’m not sure how it helps.

Man bun
Hands down, the ne plus ultra fashion faux pas made by young dudes  is the man bun (aka bro bun, aka brun). You’re young, you’re lean, and you could look like a comic book superhero; instead, you’ve opted to look like Bam-Bam. Here’s a tip, young playas: Unless your dad operates a dinosaur for a living, and starts and stops his car with his feet, this is not a good look.