John Lennon wrote, “Happiness is a warm gun,” but I’m pretty sure this is not what he meant. And thanks to a woman in Waco, I will now never hear the term “pistol-packin’ mama” without wincing.
According to a story I just read, Waco cops stopped a car for an alleged traffic violation and found drugs. In the process of transporting the passenger of the car to the city slammer, they found out she had a loaded gun hidden in her lady parts.
Earlier this week, cops stopped Gabriel Garcia for a traffic violation (this being Waco, the violation was probably Driving While Brown). A subsequent search of his car turned up 2.7 grams of methamphetamine.
A search of his passenger, Ashley Cecilia Castaneda, uncovered another 29.5 grams of meth and a set of scales in her purse.
While Castaneda was being transported to jail, she told an officer she had a handgun in her vagina.
The cops immediately stopped, and a female officer (who obviously lost the coin toss) searched her and found a loaded .22-caliber pistol with a round chambered in her vagina. I mean, the round was chambered in the gun, and the gun was … well, you get the idea; I don’t have to paint you a picture. Please tell me I don’t have to paint you a picture.
This whole thing is kind of a 21st century version of a folk tale referred to as vagina dentata (literally, toothed vagina). In this myth—like so many myths invented by men and involving women—the vagina is seen as something scary and potentially emasculating.
In this case, however, the danger is real; call it vagina armata. Whatever you call it, it could bring new shading to the phrase “going of half-cocked.”
Castaneda was charged with unlawfully (and presumably uncomfortably) carrying a weapon, as well as felony WTF.
I’m not a Republican legislator so I’m no expert on vaginas, but wouldn’t a gun in the vajayjay hurt? Granted, the gun was small (by gun standards, I mean) but still. And I know vaginas can stretch enough to allow the passage of babies, but babies are slippery and all round surfaces; they don’t have iron sights or trigger guards.
And if this woman can get a gun in her vaj, I shudder to think where she might have carried her extra ammo.
And again, I’m no expert, but wouldn’t a gun in the oven have to be pretty well lubed up? And if so, what’s the appropriate lube? Smith and Wesson Oil? AKY-47 Jelly?
I hope the NRA doesn’t adopt Castaneda as their poster child for concealed carry. To my ear, “You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead vagina” just doesn’t sound right.