Guys, Christmas is right around the corner. And since no Christmas is complete without new underwear, here’s a guide (a brief guide – get it?) to some chones you might have missed. They might not keep your chestnuts roasting when the cold winds blow, but they will protect ’em from electromagnetic radiation, and render farts harmless.

Do you carry your cell phone in your pants pocket? Are you more a laptop than a lap-dance guy? Have you ever wondered what the radiation from those high-tech toys might be doing to your boys? Well, British inventor Joseph Perkins has.

In fairness, he’s probably not thinking about your boys in particular; he’s more concerned with the effects of radiation on guy bits in general (apparently this is a thing now).

According to a YouTube video, Perkins came across this potential problem while teaching physics in Switzerland (fortunately, the video gave no details about how he developed this idea). Being a scientist, he did some experiments.

He found surprisingly low sperm counts and sperm motility amongst his subjects – results he attributes to electromagnetic radiation. To combat this perceived problem, he did what anyone would do – he developed underwear containing a mesh made from silver that deflects radiation.

Perkins says he has had the underwear tested and results show it repels 99.9 percent of radiation. It probably works even better repelling second dates.

So, we have underwear that deflects potentially harmful radiation. But how about underwear that does something really helpful – like neutralizing farts?

Well, ask and ye shall receive — kind of. The Flatulence Deodorizer isn’t exactly underwear, but it is supposed to eliminate the smell of flatus at its source.

Flat-D (sounds like a rapper with clinical depression, huh?) is an activated charcoal cloth pad that is worn taped inside your underwear next to your exhaust port. Much like the catalytic converter on your car, it renders noxious emissions harmless. Unlike your catalytic converter, though, a Flat-D is not a likely target for thieves. Additionally, a charcoal cloth pad could come in handy on those troublesome occasions when your air biscuit comes with an unanticipated side of gravy.

Not all underwear is as useful as these, though. One new twist (Underwear! Twist! I’m on fire!) you’ll want to pass on is caffeinated underwear designed to help you lose weight.

Not long ago, the Federal Trade Commission announced that a couple of companies agreed to refund $1.5 million to consumers who purchased “shapewear” that supposedly reduced cellulite and fat.

One company claimed that their bike shorts, tights and leggings were made with a “unique fabric infused with caffeine to metabolize fat.” The company claimed that the garments could take two inches off the hips and an inch off the thighs in less than a month “without effort.”

While I could see them as a potential replacement for Viagra – at least for guys who claim too much caffeine keeps them up all night – I don’t think they’d ever be popular with the male population at large. Seriously –no guy in his right mind is going to wear underwear that promises to take inches off of anything.

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