As someone who is staring down the barrel of retirement, I read everything I can on the subject. It will not surprise you to learn that some advice is better than others; some suggestions are nuggets, while others are more McNuggets – of questionable provenance and hard to swallow.
An article I just read is the latter. If I had to follow this guy’s advice I would either stay on the job or shoot myself.
Here’s a McNugget: “Once you are fortunate enough to retire, you don’t want to squander your hard-earned free time.” No kidding? After a lifetime of toil, I don’t want to piss away what remains of my life? Thanks, Solomon – duly noted.
The author has a list of things he’s looking forward to. One of them is trout fishing on Oregon’s Rogue River; another is hot-air ballooning over the Sonoma County wine country.
OK, I’ve been fishing and it’s boring. Like golf, it’s just an excuse to drink before noon (for losers who need an excuse, anyway).
Hot air ballooning, on the other hand, sounds like incredible amounts of fun. And what if you combined the two? Trout fishing from a hot-air balloon! That would be freaking awesome. Or how trout hunting from a hot-air balloon? With wine! When you’re looking for fun, guns and alcohol are a hard combo to beat. Toss in the distinct possibility of a fiery death and you can’t miss. Sign me up!
If trout hunting doesn’t appeal, how about splurging on something you’ve never done before? This author suggested a full-day spa treatment, or sitting by a fire on the beach watching the sun go down.
Oh – sorry; was I snoring? How about snorting coke off a stripper’s ass? If I thought my heart would take the stress (running from a wife armed with a box knife and a divorce lawyer has to be stressful) that’s what I’d pick. But a spa treatment? I’d rather take my chances trying to outrun my wife.
He also suggests learning new things. Learning is never a bad idea, but he suggests classes on understanding investments. That’s OK, I guess, but I’d be better off signing up with a running club and/or learning first aid.
Learning something new is a great way to keep things fresh, so he’s taking Mandarin lessons. That’s great, but not much help to me here in Texas. I’d be better off learning how to speak Spanish, so I’ll be able to communicate with the nice people who will be feeding me soup and changing my diapers in the not-distant-enough future.
I also toyed with the idea of learning to grow marijuana. My wife suggested that I move to Colorado to do that, or also take lessons in how not to become someone’s prison bitch.