Hunter S. Thompson, gun enthusiast, LSD aficionado and inventor of gonzo journalism, once said, “It never got weird enough for me.” Maybe, but if the good doctor hadn’t shot himself in 2005, it might have.
For the record, I’m a registered Democrat and I realize that Dems aren’t perfect. But for some reason, Republican crazy (Ann Coulter? Michele Bachman? Yeah, I’m looking at you.) is usually an order of magnitude more crazy than Dem peccadillos. And by Dem peccadillos, I’m not referring to what Anthony Weiner was taking pictures of during his sexting scandal.
My first bit of evidence comes from my home state, Oklahoma, where the weird comes sweeping down the plain. This time, it’s in the person of Timothy Ray Murray, who recently lost a Repub primary to a robot.
Well, that’s Murray’s story anyway. In a press release following his defeat, he claims that “it is widely known Rep. Frank D. Lucas is no longer alive and has been displayed [sic] by a look alike.”
Murray claims that Lucas was “executed by The World Court on or about Jan. 11, 2011 in Southern Ukraine. On television they were depicted as being executed by the hanging about the neck until death on a white stage and in front of witnesses.”
As a result, he has demanded that the Oklahoma Board of Elections shift Lucas’ votes to him, as robots are ineligible to serve in office in Oklahoma. So, apparently in Oklahoma it’s OK to vote like a robot (“Obama’s a socialist, and probably a Muslim – vote for me! Also – Benghazi!”) but not hold office as one.
Murray reassured the board that he “will NEVER use Artificial Intelligence look alike to voice what The Representative’s Office is doing nor own a robot look alike.” This was a bad idea; not only is it inarticulate, artificial intelligence is about his only hope, because he is clearly lacking in the native variety.
His opponent seemed to take the accusations in stride. “This is the first time I’ve ever been accused of being a body double or a robot,” Lucas said. “Also – robot? WTF?” he did not add.
The next bit of weirdness is not quite so outrageous, but it might give you second thoughts about asking a certain Michigan House hopeful to help you jump your car.
Jordan D. Haskins, a dyed-in-the-wool conservative R who is running to represent Michigan’s 95th House district in the state legislature, has multiple felony convictions and is now on parole. He also has a sexual fetish called “cranking.”
“Cranking” or “pedal-pumping” fetishists derive sexual satisfaction from seeing a person whom they desire struggle to start a stalled car, cranking the engine and pumping the gas.
Between April 2010 and January 2011, Haskins broke into vehicles on public and private property, disconnected the ignition wires, then started the vehicles’ engines. As the wires snapped and spit sparks, Haskins would rub one out.
He also broke into a lot where sheriff’s cruisers were parked and went joyriding, spanking it in a both a police cruiser and a truck. On another occasion, he broke into a car repair business and later admitted to joyriding in a truck and “listening to the engine idle and masturbating.”
Haskins is running in a heavily Democratic district, but he believes that his values will help him connect to voters. He said, “The three values that make up my stool of conservatism are faith, family and freedom,” Haskins said. He should have added “flogging the flagpole” — it’s alliterative and patriotic!
Haskins continues: “And I believe that many of the citizens of Saginaw share those same values.” No mention of where grand theft auto or public wanking fit in.
You ask me, Dr. Thompson checked out way too soon.