From deadly nightshade to steamed clams, the quest for beauty marches on 7

Men and women have always done all kinds of crazy things to make ourselves more attractive to each other. And although men are guilty of this, women seem to do more (and crazier) stuff.

vsteamThis doesn’t make a lot of sense. Men aren’t that picky about a woman’s appearance. We really don’t care if the shoes match the bag; if she has breasts and a pulse, she’s in the running.

And while women’s standards are much higher than men’s, us guys don’t do nearly as much to make ourselves attractive women. And when we do, it’s largely misguided. Seriously – do you think a comb-over or a Big Johnson T-shirt ever got anyone laid? I rest my case.

Not to pick on the ladies, but y’all have taken some crazy (and largely unnecessary) steps to make yourselves desirable. For example, back in the day, women would put belladonna – otherwise known as deadly nightshade – in their eyes to dilate their pupils. They believed that looking like an anime waif made them hot. Speaking for myself, I steer clear of anything called “deadly” that makes me look like I’ve been smoking angel dust. Of course, that’s easy for me to say – I’ve got my Big Johnson T-shirt, so I’m ready for love.

Today is not a lot different. Women now inject their foreheads with botulinum – the most toxic bacteria in the world – to temporarily paralyze the muscles that can cause wrinkles. Marketed under the warm and fuzzy name Botox, botulinum can cause double vision, slurred speech, paralysis and death. The upside? No frown lines, so let’s call it a wash.

But one of the craziest things I have heard of is actually not a new practice at all. Long a tradition in other parts of the world, vaginal steaming is getting some traction in the West. Also, apparently, in the south, if you catch my drift.

Called the v-steam, this cleansing procedure consists of a woman sitting naked on an open-seated chair, under which a humidifier emits steam for 30 to 45 minutes. During the treatment, the steam therapist might dose the water with an assortment of herbs such as basil, which some claim is an antimicrobial, or rosemary, which supposedly fights yeast infections, or oregano, an antispasmodic.

Sounds like a woman could achieve the same effect by squatting over a bowl of minestrone. I don’t know if this is effective, but I do know it’s going to get you thrown out of Olive Garden.


  1. I had only one bout with acne, but it was the summer between high school graduation and starting college. I tried every OTC thing imaginable, but I still had the Zit of the Niebelung on my chin. So, being the self-starting initiative-taking honor student I was, I decided to try more direct methods, specifically a cocktail of hydrogen peroxide and Parson’s Household Ammonia.

    I gave myself a second-degree chemical burn on my neck.

    My horrified mother took me to the nearest dermatologist, who actually said “you have surprised me. I have never seen anyone do this before.” Those are not words to hear from a guy who did his first non-specialist residency at Parkland Hospital ER.

  2. Sounds like a business opportunity for people like Stanley Steamer to branch out. “Special- Steam clean 3 Rooms plus get a.bonus……” Well you know

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