What’s a six-letter word for “uh-uhh-uhhh-OH SWEET JESUS DON’T STOP”? 3

I love crossword puzzles. My father got me started when I was a teenager and I’ve been working them ever since. Not only are they fun, they’re also supposedly good for your gray matter. But according to an article I just read, I may have been wasting my time. If this article is to be believed, orgasms give our brains a better workout than working crosswords.

o face womanProfessor Barry Komisaruk, 72, a researcher at Rutgers University said, “Mental exercises increase brain activity but only in relatively localized regions. Orgasm activates the whole.”

Komisaruk, who has been studying female sexual pleasure since the 1960s, said, “At orgasm we see a tremendous increase in the blood flow (to the brain). It brings all the nutrients and oxygenation to the brain.” If you’re visiting family, it can also bring the in-laws to your door, so make sure your bedroom is locked.

So, maybe orgasms are better than crosswords for the brain, but you can’t do that at the kitchen table with your morning coffee. Or, if you do, you’d better make certain the blinds are closed.

And speaking of orgasms, I don’t know what I was doing July 31 (although I bet I can guess) but that day is National Orgasm Day. I read an article that day enumerating several ways other than the tried and true (intercourse, masturbation, a husband who does housework) that pull the trigger for many women. Of course, the article concentrated on the female orgasm, which explains why I’m a stranger to National ‘O’ Day. For me, female orgasms are much like Bigfoot or flying saucers – I’ve never seen one, and I probably never will.

(And speaking of, don’t you find it funny that that National Orgasm Day comes only once a year? I mean, considering the name, you’d think it would come a lot more often than that.)

Some of these self-fulfillment techniques are old news. For instance, exercise-induced orgasms: these are sparked by core moves, which helps explain why your wife is grinding out the sit-ups during every commercial. Another is horseback riding. An oldie but a goodie, this old wives’ tale is a sure-fire ticket to O-Ville, according to some. It also reminds me of a joke involving two nuns, their bicycles and cobblestone streets, but that’s another column.

Other methods, however, are new to me. For instance, mind orgasms. According to Lady Gaga, it’s possible to get yourself off just by thinking the right thoughts and breathing a certain way. The downside to this trick? You’re Lady Gaga.

Another new one is yawning: OK – my wife may yawn while I’m having an orgasm, but I’ve never seen her do both at once. Turns out this one requires the woman be taking the antidepressant Clomipramine. (Note to self: call broker, go long on this stuff).

And what about Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS): In a permanent state of increased blood flow to the sex organs, PSAS suffers have been known to orgasm as many as 200 times a day. “Permanent state of increased blood flow to the sex organs” pretty much describes high school for most men. And if I were getting my jollies 200 times a day, I’m pretty sure I would not be suffering. The guy next to me on the bus might be, but I’d be living la vida loca for sure.

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3 comments

  1. Oh Lordy, potentially brain-damaging enfeeblement via laughter. Or maybe I just got off real good and will be extra-energized all day tomorrow.

  2. I have already pretty well maxed out this technique to increase brain activity (not my original goal actually) and I might add I have not had to have anyone else involved. But now sadly it appears that I am already as smart as I am ever going to get. I’ll never get that GED. Bummer!

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