South by Southwest (aka: SXSW; South By; You’re Blocking My Driveway, Asshole) the nation’s biggest music, film and interactive conference and festival just kicked off. For us Austinistas, that means parties, music and – perhaps most significantly – a week of eating at IHOP because all the good restaurants are infested with badge-wearing hipsters in white sunglasses and girl jeans.

This thing has gotten so big that every major news media, from the local daily to the New York Times and the BBC, covers it. And since plenty of news outlets do cute little reports on what to wear and who to hear and where to eat, that leaves to me the task of finding some aspect that the big boys have not beaten to death.

So, let’s get going. Since the what-to-wear angle has been done ad nauseam, I’ll start with what not to wear. This one is for my fellow dudes – and although these guidelines are SXSW specific, they apply equally to everyday life.

• Meggings: Leggings for men. Unless you’re Ron Jeremy’s twin brother, nothing good can come from wearing skin-tight Spandex pants – especially if it’s cold. If you must wear them, be prepared for lots of Vienna sausage jokes.

• Manpris: Capri pants for men. Not quite pants, not quite shorts, 100 percent emasculating. Guys, leave the lady pants to the ladies.

• Mantyhose: Seriously – I felt my testosterone level drop as I typed the word, plus I think I just got my first period.

• Murse: Dude, it’s not a satchel, it’s not European, it’s not metro – it’s a purse and it’s girly. Indiana Jones can pull it off – you can’t. Trust me.

And since no musing on SXSW is complete without bringing up tattoos, here’s my offering.

Tattoos can mean a lot of things on a lot of levels. But a tatt’s meaning also depends on who’s rockin’ that ink. In other words, a tattoo on you can mean something totally different than the same one on someone else.

Here’s a guys-and-gals guide to some tattoos you’ll see this week, along with their meanings.

 Tribal armbands

• On you: Welcome to the gun show, ladies.
• On him: Over-compensating. Big time.

Old school Sailor Jerry style

• On you: Classicist.
• On them: No imagination. Loser.

Tramp stamps

• On you: Playful, sexy.
• On her: “Aim here.”