No skeletons in his closet — just a bone 2

I think most of us have done things that we’re not proud of. It might be something minor, like reading a book before giving it to someone for Christmas. Or it could be even more heinous, like taking a girl to see Steely Dan just because we wanted to get in her pants (just to, you know, make up a couple of completely hypothetical examples).

Few of us have a secret like district attorney Mark Suben, though.

 Suben, who’s now a DA in central New York’s Cortland Co., recently admitted that he had starred in a number of pornographic films back in the 1970s.

And not only did he own up to his sordid youth, he apologized.

“Recently, materials have been circulated alleging that I was involved in the adult film industry 40 years ago in New York,” Suben said during a press conference. “Those allegations are true. I was an actor in adult films for a short period in the early ‘70s.”

Suben said he regretted lying to the press last month about his involvement in the films.

I’d regret lying about it, too. If I had what it took to be a porn star, I’d be proud as hell. Instead of apologizing, I’d be all like, “When I say I had a big part in those films, I’m not talking about a major role – if you know what I’m sayin’.”

To look at him now, 40-plus years down the road, you would never guess he had been a porn star; in fact, you would never guess this guy had ever gotten laid, period.

In the picture I saw Suben’s rocking a bad comb-over, a pair of half-moon reading glasses, and if that’s the much-vaunted “porn star mustache,” I’m not impressed. You ask me, it looks more like the “raincoat-wearing porn watcher in the back of a seedy Times Square bookstore mustache.” Seriously — the last time I saw a ‘stache like that, the owner was trying to sell me an extended warranty on a washing machine.

Of course, he didn’t use his real name back in the day. Like many people in his position he used a pseudonym. And while I realize that most of the great porn star names — Johnny Wadd, Dick Rambone, et al. — were already taken, I think his chosen nom de smut “Irwin Schmeck” shows an distinct lack of imagination.

Irwin Schmeck? That’s a lame name for a an accountant, much less for a heavy-hitting play-for-pay sex machine. What sort of porn titles would an Irwin Schmeck star in? “Deep Deductions,” perhaps, or maybe “The Devil in Miss, I’m Pretty Sure I Ordered This Tuna Melt on Whole Wheat?”

Suben also claimed he was “shocked and embarrassed” that the issue had come to light. And I guess that could be embarrassing — though not  nearly as embarrassing as being seen at a Steely Dan concert.


  1. Donald Fagen’s new band was on Letterman last week. (But you knew that.) He didn’t sing “Reeling in the Years” though. If it makes you feel any better I saw Grand Funk Railroad on two separate occasions with no excuse whatsoever.

  2. Dan,

    I have seen Grand Funk in excess of 5 times. I think it was 5, can’t remember too clearly but it was the early 70’s so that would explain the memory lapse… if not the lapse in musical taste. And I confess I totally enjoyed them all (see memory lapse, or more precisely cause thereof, for explanation) In my defense however I have NEVER seen Fagen nor Steely Dan.

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