No skeletons in his closet — just a bone 2

I think most of us have done things that we’re not proud of. It might be something minor, like reading a book before giving it to someone for Christmas. Or it could be even more heinous, like taking a girl to see Steely Dan just because we wanted to get in her pants (just to, you know, make up a couple of completely hypothetical examples).

Few of us have a secret like district attorney Mark Suben, though.

 Suben, who’s now a DA in central New York’s Cortland Co., recently admitted that he had starred in a number of pornographic films back in the 1970s.

And not only did he own up to his sordid youth, he apologized.

“Recently, materials have been circulated alleging that I was involved in the adult film industry 40 years ago in New York,” Suben said during a press conference. “Those allegations are true. I was an actor in adult films for a short period in the early ‘70s.”

Suben said he regretted lying to the press last month about his involvement in the films.

I’d regret lying about it, too. If I had what it took to be a porn star, I’d be proud as hell. Instead of apologizing, I’d be all like, “When I say I had a big part in those films, I’m not talking about a major role – if you know what I’m sayin’.”

To look at him now, 40-plus years down the road, you would never guess he had been a porn star; in fact, you would never guess this guy had ever gotten laid, period.

In the picture I saw Suben’s rocking a bad comb-over, a pair of half-moon reading glasses, and if that’s the much-vaunted “porn star mustache,” I’m not impressed. You ask me, it looks more like the “raincoat-wearing porn watcher in the back of a seedy Times Square bookstore mustache.” Seriously — the last time I saw a ‘stache like that, the owner was trying to sell me an extended warranty on a washing machine.

Of course, he didn’t use his real name back in the day. Like many people in his position he used a pseudonym. And while I realize that most of the great porn star names — Johnny Wadd, Dick Rambone, et al. — were already taken, I think his chosen nom de smut “Irwin Schmeck” shows an distinct lack of imagination.

Irwin Schmeck? That’s a lame name for a an accountant, much less for a heavy-hitting play-for-pay sex machine. What sort of porn titles would an Irwin Schmeck star in? “Deep Deductions,” perhaps, or maybe “The Devil in Miss, I’m Pretty Sure I Ordered This Tuna Melt on Whole Wheat?”

Suben also claimed he was “shocked and embarrassed” that the issue had come to light. And I guess that could be embarrassing — though not  nearly as embarrassing as being seen at a Steely Dan concert.

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2 comments

  1. Donald Fagen’s new band was on Letterman last week. (But you knew that.) He didn’t sing “Reeling in the Years” though. If it makes you feel any better I saw Grand Funk Railroad on two separate occasions with no excuse whatsoever.

  2. Dan,

    I have seen Grand Funk in excess of 5 times. I think it was 5, can’t remember too clearly but it was the early 70’s so that would explain the memory lapse… if not the lapse in musical taste. And I confess I totally enjoyed them all (see memory lapse, or more precisely cause thereof, for explanation) In my defense however I have NEVER seen Fagen nor Steely Dan.

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