adam and eve

Celebrity endorsements: Never listen to a talking snake 4

Celebrity endorsements have been around for a long time. Ever since Satan convinced Eve she needed more fresh fruit in her diet, big names have been used to sway people.

Sometimes celebrity endorsements make sense and sometimes they don’t.

adam and eveFor instance, Michael Jordan shilling for Nike? Total no-brainer. MJ slanging tighty whities? Uh…

What got me thinking about this was something I saw in the grocery store the other day: Marley’s One Drop. The family of reggae king Bob Marley is using his image to pimp for a coffee drink. Exactly what Tuff Gong’s connection to coffee is, I have no idea. Sure, they grow coffee in Jamaica; Blue Mountain is one of the most prized beans in the world. Of course, JA also grows world-class ganja, but I don’t see Nesta’s family lending his image to sell Visine or Doritos.

Speaking of cool spokespeople (and ganja), I bet Snoop Doggy Dogg (or Snoop Lion, as he now calls himself) could move some serious weight when it comes to coffee. “Bow to the wow, it’s Snoop in the house—the mothfuckin’ Maxwell House, bitches! When the Lion wakes up, it’s chronic in his bowl and Maxwell House in his cup—y’all better know dat!” I’d buy that shit—and I don’t even like Maxwell House.

But I digress. While the Bob Marley/coffee connection is obscure, others are blatant to the point of being insulting. A perfect example is Kim Kardashian plumping for Midori liqueur. For you fans of amber liquors, Midori is a Japanese liqueur that tastes like melons, and Kim Kardashian is…well, you’ve seen the sex tape. That’s about as subtle as having her co-star, rapper Ray J., endorse Oscar Meyer wieners.

You know who I think would make an awesome celebrity endorser? Willie Nelson, that’s who. A real down-to-earth guy and already an outspoken supporter of the herb superb, Willie would also be a great spokesman for the right product. And I think I know just what that product is: an air freshener, but one formulated to be strong enough for Willie’s notorious bus.

Think of it—the next time the 5-0 pulls you over for driving with your convertible top half-way up, or comes to your door at 3 a.m. to tell you to turn down the jams, there’s no need to freak out. Just a quick spritz of Red-Headed Stranger’s Cop-B-Gone and before you know it, Johnny Law will be “on the road again.”

Genius, am I right? Catchy, effective, and it beats the hell out of apples.


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