I’m a huge dog guy. And by that I mean I really like dogs; not that I’m huge and like dogs, or that I like huge dogs. I’m just dog crazy.
Liz is pretty nuts about dogs, too. Accordingly, we spoil the hell out of ours. Bella sleeps on the bed with us (or, more accurately, we sleep on the bed with her); she gets to go to the park a couple of times a day; and she usually gets a special dinner on Sunday.
One thing our dog doesn’t have, however, is cable TV. Rabbit ears are good enough for us, so they’re damn sure good enough for her. And since she’s part greyhound, the rabbit ears are kind of a nice touch.
But even if she did have cable, I promise it would be the most basic level – one without DOGTV.
What’s that? You haven’t heard about this? I am totally not making it up. DOGTV is a cable channel that bills itself as “the first television channel for dogs.”
Are you kidding? For animals that sniff each other’s butts and eat poo? We think our dog is pretty smart (and, honestly, compared to most of the people I work with, she’s Stephen Hawking) but I have never once seen her so much as glance at a television. I’m no Cesar Milan but I bet you a buck the average dog doesn’t give a rat’s ass (or even a cat’s ass) what’s on TV – even the Lassie marathons on Nick at Nite.
The channel’s website says, “DOGTV’s 24/7 programming helps stimulate, entertain, relax and habituate dogs with shows that expose them to various movements, sounds, objects, experiences and behavior patterns, all from a dog’s point of view.” No kidding? We do the same thing, only we call it taking the dog to the park.
If you’re asking yourself why a channel for dogs, the DOGTV website will tell you (and with no irony intended) that “DOGTV’s programming meets a dog’s typical daily routine and helps prevent mental fatigue, depression and boredom.”
A dog’s typical daily routine? Like “Get up, 30-minute run, shower, shave, 10 o’clock meeting with marketing team, lunch with new client, drinks at 6, dinner, Daily Show, in bed by 11.”
Bella’s daily routine consists of waking me up to be fed, then dashing back to bed (my bed) and snoozing until Liz arises and shoos her to her own bed. This is followed by a nap that lasts until her first walk of the day. Then it’s more napping, dinner, another walk, and then some serious sleeping. My dog doesn’t need a cable channel to meet her daily routine; in fact, she doesn’t even need a television. A corner of the Beautyrest and she’s good for about 22 hours a day.
“Take a minute to browse our website and see just how DOGTV helps improve the lives of dogs and their humans everywhere.” I don’t know about improving a dog’s life (my dog’s life is already pretty flippin’ cushy) but I bet it improves the cash flow of whomever dreamt up this idea.