I don’t care how old you are, how tame you are or how domesticated you are (and BTW, if you’re thinking of a word here that ends in “whipped,” so am I). When a guy’s wife goes away, even if it’s just for a few days, life changes.
I speak from experience, as Liz left town Sunday to spend a few days with her mom and her sis celebrating their birthdays.
In her absence – and in lieu of actually doing anything productive – I made a short list of how thing are different when my wife travels. Guys, see how your list compares to mine.
When she’s here: Downton Abbey, anything with Meryl Streep.
When she’s gone: Porn, kung fu movies, anything with Danny McBride (except porn).
When she’s here: Lots of whole grains, plenty of fruit, wide variety of fresh, cooked-from-scratch vegetables.
When she’s gone: Canned asparagus, institutional-size frozen five-cheese lasagna (My motto: Cook once, eat for a week.).
When she’s here: Cold-brewed coffee, chamomile tea, flavored water.
When she’s gone: Espresso, Topo Chico, Red Bull smoothies.
When she’s here: Half the cooking, half the pet stuff, laundry, bathroom patrol, lawn.
When she’s gone: Flush toilet at least daily.
When she’s here: Weightlifting with trainer three days a week; cardio another three days; yoga, seated meditation every day; walk the dog twice daily.
When she’s gone: Repeated walks to fridge, open door for dog (once out, once in), meditate on which kung fu movie to watch on Netflix.
When she’s here: Dinner parties with friends, Thursday happy hours at the Lucky Lounge, theater, galleries, etc.
When she’s gone: Fuck socializing; I have Netflix.
Maintaining good habits is hard work (and by hard work, I mean impossible) for me; I really need the tempering influence of my spouse. So when she’s gone, I know resistance is futile and no longer resist – I just relax and slip easily into that men-are-just-bears-with-furniture zone.
The hardest thing for me is maintaining any semblance of a healthy diet. Eating right means cooking, and cooking means a lot of work. I used to enjoy all that work, but no more. So I get one of those institutional-sized frozen lasagnas from Costco – the kind they bring to your car on a forklift – and some canned asparagus, and I’m good for a week.
Monotonous? Sure it is, but so is standing up for hours every night cleaning, chopping, slicing and dicing veggies. That’s a huge chunk of your evening misspent – especially when you consider that you could be sitting on your ass watching Danny McBride movies and slamming pasta.
So guys, give yourselves a break. The next time your wife leaves you to your own devices, surrender to the inevitable: nuke a slab of Stouffer’s, flip on the big-screen, and get a taste of the Good Life.
You can thank me later.
A. Who in the eff is Danny McBride?
B. Since when does asparagus come in a can?
C. Are you sure Liz is coming back? Your situation may not be temporary. Then again, she did leave the dog behind. That probably means she’s coming back.
Yes lasagna kept me alive for weeks on end when I lived alone. Now I just go out to eat and bring home left overs to snack on after the munchies kick in at midnight. Word..
there goes the neighborhood…
The only thing I see out of line here in the least is the canned asparagus-yuck!. Otherwise your habits represent the very roots of Western civilization. Of course the roots were also known as the The Dark Ages. But The oft maligned Dark Ages were actually great as evidenced by numerous classic movies (most available on Netflix by the way) several staring Danny McBride.
Brings back nostalgic memories. Yes, its almost a month since she was away for a few days….