This time of year I like to spend as much time as possible at the pool. It’s a great place to catch some rays and chill out, but it’s also the perfect place to people-watch. I am a keen-eyed observer of people and their ways, and the pool is a perfect opportunity to catch the latest trends and fashions.
This is particularly true in the case of tattoos. After hours of field research, I have some observations and some suggestions.
Guys, if you want to look tough, all the ink in the world isn’t going to help if you’re out of shape. It’s nearly impossible to be bad-ass when you look like you recently gave birth to twins. So, before you hit the tattoo parlor, hit the gym. Remember: the only place muffin tops look good is on muffins.
If you’re going to get a tatt, the right image is imperative. Like diamonds, tattoos are forever, so think carefully before going under the needle. Always a bad idea for a tattoo is your favorite band’s logo. Sure, you dig ’em now, but in 20 years your ardor for Insane Clown Posse will have cooled and you’ll spend the rest of your life explaining why you have an image of a dreadlocked, cleaver-wielding midget on your calf.
A very popular image, especially amongst men who think they’re hard, is barbed wire wrapped around the biceps. Guys, if you’re considering this tattoo, I have two words for you: Pamela Anderson.
Here’s another tip: “ironic” images of any sort are a really bad idea. A good rule of thumb is, if an image is too stupid for your dad to wear on a t-shirt, it’s probably too stupid to have engraved into your skin.
Deciding where on your body you’ll get your tatt is also an important consideration. It’s hard to go wrong with the classic placement on the biceps or deltoid. But unless you plan to spend your life pulling espresso shots or working at the Jiffy Lube, tatts above the collarbone are a very bad idea.
Especially bad in this category are facial tattoos. Back in the day, criminals would often be tattooed on their faces as a permanent and public record of their crimes. Today, facial tatts are a permanent and public record of your stupidity and/or substance abuse issues.
Women also need to give careful consideration to what they’re getting tattooed and where those images are placed. For a while it was common to see girls sporting ink on the back of the upper arm, directly above the elbow. Today, however, a fashionable location for lady tatts on the lower belly, with just a hint of ink peeking coyly over the waistband of the bikini bottom. While this is not inherently a bad location, the right image is key. For instance, this is not the best place for a tattoo of a fish. Trust me on this one.
Jeff Carmack 
How about a dolphin? Because a dolphin’s not a fish so … wait a minute, I get it.
What? Being a Juggalo will be uncool in 20 years? Crap! I just spent over a grand having my old Creed tattoo replaced by that dreadlocked, cleaver-wielding Insane Clown Posse midget.
Did I say 20 years? I meant 20 minutes. And don’t whine to me about dropping a k fixing your ink; any idea what it cost me to turn my Van Halen tatt into a Buddhist mantra?
Fucking laser tattoo removal, how does it work?
Brilliant ICP shout-out, Biffa, Was disappointed I got no love from you for my Vapors allusion on my last post.
so…….. i kept waiting to see comments on the female gender and tatts, Jeff, dude, one paragraph at the end don’t get it, You ‘tap danced’ completely around the fems, come on now, we need to talk about tramp stamps and more on the female bod :-)………….
And please remember the cautionary song Thirty Year Old Tattoo by that reclusive Austin band, The PJ’S
( can be found at http://www.thepjs.net).
The reclusive and hysterically funny PJs can be heard regularly at some of Austin’s finest music venues.
You can’t go wrong with a tattoo of your precious daughter’s name rendered in tasteful script … unless your daughter’s name is “Anally.”
Come to think of it, that would make a pretty awesome tramp stamp. (Over to you, George.)
The worst tramp stamp I have ever seen was the one that read “Aim Here.”