By now you’ve surely heard that Frito Lay is going to discontinue biodegradable packaging for SunChips. The reason? The bags are too noisy.
You read that right – the bags are too noisy.
I feel so naive. I’ve been worrying about global issues like overpopulation and pollution and the possibility of a Steely Dan reunion, and all the while overlooking a problem right here in my own backyard: the threat of too-loud snack packaging.
Apparently these bags, which are made of biodegradable plant material, make a lot of noise when you open them – or, if critics are to be believed, even when you look at them. They make so much noise, in fact, that loads of sensitive souls whined to Frito Lay about the ruckus.
PepsiCo, which owns Frito Lay, has heard the voice of the people. Or perhaps they saw it reflected in sales of SunChips, which are headed south faster than Congressional approval ratings. At any rate, PepsiCo has agreed to stop packaging five of SunChips’ six flavors in the loathsome biodegradable bags.
And not only is PepsiCo going to quit using the bags, they’re also going to recall all the bags that are already in the stores, so very soon America’s snack time reverie will no longer be disrupted by raucous, ecologically responsible packaging. In short, screw the polar bears – America wants quieter snack packaging and we are by God going to have it.
I’m a lucky guy – I don’t have a lot of worries. But honestly, how carefree does your life have to be that a noisy chip bag is an issue? Like I said, I don’t have many problems but even so, noisy chip bags are not on my radar. On my list of worries, they come in right behind my fear of being attacked by Donald Trump’s hair.
I also have to say that I really don’t see the problem with the noisy bags. Unless you’re a sniper or something, noisy snack food shouldn’t be much of an issue. And if you are a sniper, then you’re probably not eating chips on the job – you’re probably catching snakes barehanded and biting their heads off. But chips? Chips are for wimps like Green Berets and cage fighters.
Another situation where noisy snacks might be a drawback is the opera. And much like the case with the snipers, if you’re going to the opera you’re probably not a chip dude anyway — not even a fancy-schmancy French Onion chip dude. If you’re an opera buff, caviar is probably more your nosh.
But even that delicacy is not without drawbacks. While caviar does not come in a noisy, biodegradable bag, it does come in a smelly, biodegradable fish. And if you think opening a bag of chips during at the opera will get you some stern looks, you can forget about breaking out the beluga during “La Boheme.” And don’t ask me how I know this – just listen to the voice of experience. You can thank me later.
I was set to support you on this, but you just had to fire off a blast at the greatness that is Steely Dan. You have driven me into the salty arms of Frito Lay. You bastard.
I had no idea you were such a fan of the Dan of Steel; otherwise …
I was reading this to my wife (she eats Sunchips). I didn’t know the bags were biodegradable. She says, “I told you they were!” I guess I couldn’t hear her over that damned noisy bag. I just thought it was an annoying bag!
Then I thought…guys are missing the boat! Next time war is declared, grab a bag of Sunchips and start munching! You don’t require selective auditory exclusion…and your mouth will be too full for you to be able to stick your foot into it! Am I a genius or what!
Not just a genius, sir — a Piranha genius!