For years I’ve been threatening to get in shape. Not that I was out of shape – as a t-shirt I recently saw correctly noted, round is a shape. But a few years (OK, decades) of making a living sitting at a desk had left me in less than fighting trim.
Working to stay fit is a fairly recent development. Not so very long ago, people did manual labor, and that helped keep them stay slim. Before that, they ran down their meals; if you lost that race you went hungry. But honestly, the last time I chased down my food was probably five years ago, when I sprinted two blocks after an ice cream truck.
For years I have been convinced that my wife was doing something to the laundry that made my clothes too tight, and I decided that I would do something about it. Divorce seemed unlikely (although not nearly so unlikely as me actually learning to do my own laundry) so I was pleased to discover that it was not my spouse who was making my clothes too tight — it was Krispy Kreme.
Anyway, I decided to make some changes and get into shape. If you’re my age you’ve probably been through the same drill – promising to develop some discipline, tighten up on your diet, and get up off your fat ass and get some exercise, for cryin’ out loud.
And, if you’re like me, this is going to take place at some much more auspicious yet vague and indeterminate time in the future – next week or maybe next month, or as soon as you get over the cold you feel like you’re coming down with, or perhaps when hell freezes over (this is my personal favorite — with the prospect of global warming, that might never happen!)
But acting contrary to character I got up off the futon, went to the gym and hired a trainer. And for the past six weeks, he’s been working my ass (and a fair amount of fat) off. Every session includes weightlifting, cardio and flexibility exercises. The only other time I’ve ever sweated this hard was back in 1973 when I got pulled over by a cop as I was leaving a Grateful Dead concert.
And so far, I gotta say I’m crazy happy with the results. My clothes are baggy where they used to be tight, and tight where they used to be baggy. I feel great, I sleep better and, perhaps most rewarding, people notice the difference in the way I look. So if you’re considering turning over a new leaf, I’d encourage you to do so.
You never know – there might be a donut under there.
And all this time I thought you were wearing a mirdle. Keep up the good work, but I hope your new fitness regime still allows the occasional slice of blueberry cobbler.
Oh, I am wearing a mirdle — the workout stuff is in addition to that. And yes, blueberry cobbler is always welcome at my training table — and not just occasionally.
Just FYI, Ginger is blowing chunks with disgust over your classically male ability to go from suburban doughboy to chiseled beefcake with just six weeks of exercise. I suspect most of your female readers are having a similar response.
Russell, tell Ginger that if she is not getting the results she wants from her exercise regimen, she can do what I do, and that’s lie.