How can we move forward with so much pointed backward? 7

My wife and I were watching Avatar last weekend – James Cameron’s Dances With Wookies mashup that suggests that a significant number of people still eat magic mushrooms – and a line uttered by protagonist Jake Sully really struck me.

Sully’s all kicked back in his high-tech futon and he says, “Everything is backwards now.”

And I was thinking, I feel your pain, dude. I can actually remember a time – and you kids can scoff if you want, but I swear it really happened – when everything wasn’t backwards.

I can’t pinpoint when it all started to change, but I do remember a day when the only people who wore their ball caps backwards were catchers, umpires, and a neighbor kid Mikey, who often drooled on himself and occasionally barked like a dog.

Then, seemingly overnight, people apparently forgot how to wear a ball cap; all of a sudden, everyone in the country who wore a ball cap had it turned around backwards.

Why? What’s the point in wearing a ball cap backwards? I mean, that thing sticking out the front is there for a reason, right? If you don’t want to use it, perhaps you should wear a beanie.

OK, I realize that wearing ball caps backwards is fashion. But what kills me is that fashion too often trumps even the most basic common sense. I saw a young woman the other day, wearing her Longhorn cap backwards and using her hand (the one that didn’t have the iPhone in it) to keep the sun out of her eyes.  And I thought, “Hey, you know, you could … yeaaaaaah, never mind.”

Another backwards deal – when did it become au courant to wear sunglasses on the back of your head? I realize our shades need a place to stay when they’re indoors, but seriously – putting them on backwards? Have people not heard of pockets? Sure, it’s old-school technology, but it works.

I really don’t like the shades on the back of the head deal. Not only do I think it’s dumb, I find it horribly disconcerting when dining out to look up from my meal and see what appears to be a small bear wearing Oakleys and a Cowboys jersey glaring at me from the next table. It’s especially unnerving if I’m having salmon.

But if you want to wear your ball cap backwards, or perch your Ray-Bans on the back of your cranium, be my guest. But when it comes to parking, please knock off the backing-in stuff — you’re getting in my way.

Drive into a parking lot and you’ll find half the cars backed in to their spaces. A buddy of mine who was in Iraq said that, over there, they parked their Hummers that way so they could haul ass in a hurry if someone started shooting at them — but that’s usually not a problem at Chili’s. So, really, ma’am, you don’t need to block traffic while you “combat park” your Murano in front of the day spa. And unless the coach is putting you in next inning, turn your cap around.

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7 comments

  1. Excellent article, Amigo!! But you didn’t mention my even bigger pet peeve, the ‘wonky ball cap wearer’. The guy who wears it at an odd angle. An angle that states, “I have a head injury”, or ” I need help dressing.”

  2. The same dude who wears the bill as flat as a board, and usually has his cap pulled down over the tops of his ears? I think that’s Mikey; he now also wears white sunglasses and drives a Jeep with a “Bros Before Hos” sticker on it.

  3. Let me raise two exceptions to an otherwise commendable rule: 1) At sun-scorched outdoor events (e.g., ACLFest) it is perfectly acceptable and eminently sensible to rock two baseball caps Sherlock Holmes-style, with one brim pointing backward to shade one’s vulnerable neck. Also, Welsh hip-hop legend MC 2Hats out of Goldie Lookin’ Chain can wear either of his caps at any damn angle he pleases.

    • Wearing one’s chapeaus askew is indeed acceptable if one is a Welsh hip-hop legend, a la MC2Hats; it is not, however, the province of the cannabis-addled rabble who attend outdoor music events (not naming names, Biffa, but …) . As you have seen, the proper headgear for such festivals is a boonie cap soaked in water and filled with ice provided by a Budweiser Girl. This is also known as an Ice Cap (patent pending).

  4. The salmon (joke) was fresh! You know, I used to wear caps in college. Until the day two friends, at separate times and not in league with each other, commented that I looked like one of those bald kids in an M.D. Anderson cancer fundraising appeal ad. That was the capper, so to speak.

  5. Damn El Jefe, next you’re going to be saying that Guy Fieri from Diners Drive-Ins and Dives is not THE coolest guy around!?! Where does it all stop?

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