Do you know what a “mirdle” is? How about a “mansierre?” Until yesterday, I didn’t. And I was perfectly happy without that knowledge; in this case, ignorance truly was bliss.

But that was yesterday, and this is today. My innocence has been sorely compromised – plus, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

If you aren’t familiar with these terms, let me ruin your day for you – a mirdle is a man’s girdle, and its role is to keep in check all those cheeseburgers and Bud Lights that today’s man just can’t seem to say no to.  And, as you have probably figured out, a mansierre is a bra for guys; it lifts and separates those problematic “moobs,” or man boobs.

I just threw up in my mouth – a lot.

Mirdles and mansierres are both part of the growing trend of “shapewear” for men. That’s right – some guys have been unmanned to the point that they’re ashamed to be the big, fat slobs they are, so they’re taking a lesson from the ladies and buying underwear to help them maintain that seek silhouette they’re too lazy to work for.

May Clint have mercy on our souls.

For me, the divider between what guys can and can’t do without getting their man card revoked has always been less of a sharp line and more of a zone. Guys do and wear lots of things that were once the sole domain of the fairer sex. For instance, when I was in college l had long hair – really long hair. I eventually cut it short, but I still have a pierced ear. And back in the day I used to carry a bag; we called ’em “stash bags,” and today that same bag would be called a “man purse,” (or maybe “murse”) but a bag is a bag is a bag.

Also, it’s not just the act itself; it’s as much a matter of the guy doing it. Jimi Hendrix could wear a feather boa, and Joe Namath could rock the Beautymist pantyhose, and their masculinity was unassailable. Likewise, David Beckham may be more sleekly waxed than Kim Kardashian (of course, she’s Armenian, and that would be like waxing a wolverine) but no one calls him a girly-man.

So, clearly, what’s manly and what’s not is kind of nebulous. But, fellow dudes, I’m drawing the line at girdles for men.

Wonder why it’s called shapewear? Probably because those clever marketing bozos know they won’t sell many units calling ‘em girdles (and they’ll sell even fewer calling them mirdles, or I miss my guess).

I know all this because someone sent me a link to a website that sells this stuff. It cites the mirdle and the mansierre as “the latest words in pop culture” and claims, “You’ll be hearing a lot more about them in the near future.” But I don’t wanna hear more about them; in fact, I may pierce my eardrums just to make sure I don’t.

Guys, I say to heck with this trend. If you want to look like Jabba the Hutt in that overpriced Hollister t-shirt, own it. Say it loud – I’m fat and I’m proud. But if you don’t, for Steve McQueen’s sake, don’t stoop to wearing a mirdle – just say no to that second Egg McMuffin and take a freakin’ walk.