Tired of Living a Lie Reply

(STEVE, a senior in high school, enters a kitchen where two middle-aged men, DAVE and BARRY, are standing at the sink washing dishes and chatting.)

STEVE: Hey dad … dad … what’s up?

DAVE: Oh, just doing the dishes …

BARRY: … What’s up with you, June bug? I know that look – something’s bugging you, huh?

DAVE: Stevie, if it’s about your Martha Stewart Living subscription, I’m sorry I let it lapse. It’s just that I’ve been so busy with the Opera League …

STEVE: No, dad — it’s not about Martha. This is something really important.

BARRY: Well, if it’s about the new Jimmy Choo store, that’s old news. I heard that at the salon last week.

STEVE: No, guys, could you shut up for a second and listen? This is really big and it’s really tearing me up inside.

BARRY: Son, I’ve never seen you this upset – not even when you got ballet lessons instead of a go-cart for Christmas. What’s bugging you, guy?

STEVE: Well, there’s something we need to talk about.

DAVE: (mock seriously) I’ll say there is! Just look at those eyebrows! (winks at BARRY). Would it kill to you to pluck them just a little?

BARRY: OK, what’s so important that we’re missing “Glee?”

STEVE: Well, there’s … I … uh … well, I haven’t been really open and honest with you.

DAVE: So it was you who trashed my Adam Lambert CD? And here I’ve been blaming your dad.

STEVE: Well, I know you guys have raised me with certain … well … expectations … and … oh you are gonna be so disappointed in me – even worse than that time I wore brown and black together.

DAVE: Disappointed? How could we ever be disappointed in you, son?

BARRY: Your dad’s right. C’mon – what’s bugging you?

STEVE: OK, then — I guess the best thing is to just come right out and say it. Dad … dad … I’m … well, I’m not gay!


DAVE: What … what did he just say?

BARRY: Holy shit! I never saw that coming!

DAVE: Oh you didn’t, huh?

BARRY: Hell, no – never in a million years would I have guessed my son …

DAVE: Excuse me — our son.

BARRY: Right – our son would turn out … you know …

STEVE: Straight? Is that the word you’re looking for?

BARRY: Well, I wasn’t going to put it that way but …

STEVE: But that’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

BARRY: Steve, gimme a break, huh? This is a hell of a surprise. And I gotta say, for a straight guy you’re sure a drama queen!

DAVE: Oh, so you’re surprised, huh? Never saw this coming, did you?

BARRY: What? Of course I’m surprised! What are you saying?

DAVE: Oh nothing. Just … who brought him home in a blue blanket? To a blue nursery? And blue onesies?

STEVE: Hey, I like blue! I mean, I like pink too, but blue’s cool!

BARRY (To Steve): Honey, you know pastels make your ass look fat. (To Dave): And who insisted he get a baseball glove and not an Easy-Bake Oven?

DAVE: Oh, please! Don’t try to pin this all on me!

BARRY: Well, if the Pradas fit, honey …

DAVE: Well, if we’re dredging up ancient history here, who surprised him with a BMX bike — when we had both agreed on drama camp?

BARRY: Yes, and who insisted he be allowed to play football in junior high – and not even soccer, but AMERICAN FOOTBALL!

STEVE: Hey guys – remember: a football scholarship is sending me to UCLA …

DAVE: Stevie, please – your dad and I are talking. Yeah, OK, I sorta pushed him into football. But who bought him a BB gun for his birthday?

BARRY: Listen, I had a BB gun when I was a kid and …

DAVE: Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard all this before. “I had a BB gun when I was a kid and look how I turned out – gayer than a purple Miata. Blah blah blah.” Spare me.

STEVE: (Laughing) Gayer than a purple Miata?! That’s fucking hyster …

DAVE: Stevie?! Talking here!

BARRY: Stevie, listen – this is probably just some kind of crazy phase you’re going through. You know, when I was your age I fooled around with one of my sister’s friends. But that didn’t mean …

DAVE: You what?

STEVE: You did?

BARRY: We’ve talked about this …

DAVE: Like hell we have!

BARRY: Well … look – I was 13, horny as hell, and this girl had snuck some beers out of her parents’ house …

DAVE: Oh my god – please! Spare me the details!

STEVE: My dad banged a girl? Did I wake up in Bizarro World?

DAVE: Stevie? For the last time, hun …

BARRY: You know what? This whole argument is fucking stupid. I have nothing to prove to you. And you seriously need to get a grip.

DAVE: Get a grip? Did you just tell me to get a grip? Do either of you have any idea of what’s going to happen when this gets around? What our friends are going to say? And I can sure as shit kiss my seat on the symphony board good-bye.

STEVE: You know, I can’t believe I’m hearing this! The two people I love most in the world worrying about what people will think when it gets around that their son’s not a little light in the loafers.

BARRY, DAVE: What?! I don’t …

STEVE: I can’t fucking believe this! My parents … Mr. and Mr. Anything Goes free-thinkers  … are closet heterophobes! Sorry, guys, but I’m out of here.

(STEVE leaves)

DAVE: Well, hun …

BARRY: Yeah?

DAVE: Looks like we may end up as grandparents anyway.

BARRY: (Heavy sigh): Yeah, looks like. Good thing I kept that leftover blue paint.

DAVE: Don’t you start on me!


This sketch was written for and produced by The New Movement Theater

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