Contractors: necessary evil, or Satan’s little helpers?
Aug. 13 , 2008

Some people think that writing a column is a dream job. They say things like, “I’ve always wanted to be a writer,” or sometimes, “Man, I wish I could get paid just for being a smart-ass,” or most frequently, “Dude, I can’t believe you get paid for this crap.” But take it from me – when it comes to the benjamins, the writing scam leaves a lot to be desired.

So, to keep the wolf from the door I have a real job – I work for a state agency. People have a mental image of the typical state worker – a badly dressed, overweight slob who doesn’t do much, and performs poorly when he does. That image is at least partially wrong – in reality, my wife dresses me pretty well, plus I’ve been hitting the gym. So there.

But, as is true with most stereotypes, the image of two guys leaning on their shovels while they watch the third guy work contains at least a kernel of truth. The big difference today is that those guys aren’t state employees – they’re contractors.

Like many people, I work on a computer. Actually, I work on a Dell, which is similar to a computer, only it sucks. My machine takes a long time to start up – 10 minutes is not uncommon. But two weeks ago, when it took 45 minutes from the time I hit the power switch to the time the machine was ready to go, I decided that something had to be done.

Like a fool, I phoned my agency’s Computer Help Desk. I assumed it was called that because the contractors at the other end were there to help. However, I soon realized that it’s called the Help Desk because they know no one would ever call if they described it honestly – the Totally Hose Your Computer and Waste Hours and Hours of Your Time Desk.

I told the Help Desk dude that my computer was running slow, and that the hard drive was making a noise like someone had dropped a handful of pennies in a Cuisinart. Help Desk dude instantly (and incorrectly) diagnosed my problem – I had too much stuff on my disc and that was making it sluggish. I asked about the racket and he explained it to me this way: since my disc was full, bytes were hanging out of it – much like underwear hanging out of an overstuffed suitcase – and banging against the housing as the disc spun. O-o-o-kay.

He told me to remove all the non-work-related junk from my machine, and he’d send someone over the next morning to re-image my hard drive. (FYI, “re-image” is contractor-speak for “screw up your computer even worse” and “the next morning” means “whenever it will be most disruptive to your day.”)

A week later I got an e-mail from the Help Desk guy telling me someone would be over at 10 a.m. Promptly at the stroke of 11:15, three guys in matching shirts showed up at my cubicle, claiming they were there to fix my computer.

I asked how long this little exercise would take and they told me maybe 30 minutes – 45, tops (again, this is contractor-speak; it actually means “I hope you brought a book”). So I took a long coffee break and returned in 45 minutes. To no one’s great surprise, they weren’t finished.

I went to lunch and when I returned Larry, Curly and Moe were gone – and so was my computer. At 3:30, they brought my machine back, promising that it was now “lean and mean.” Then they wisely vamoosed before I had a chance to start it.

I booted up, fired up my browser and, voila, I couldn’t get online. Between the three techs, no one had thought to plug in the network cable. I did so and then went home, hoping for better luck the next day.

The next morning I booted the machine, launched my e-mail, tried to read a message, and the machine crashed. I re-booted, launched a browser, and crashed again. I finally got the machine started, launched several applications and things looked good – and then the machine froze and I had to re-boot. After repeating this charade, and with the benefit of a great deal of cursing the techs and their mothers, my computer decided to play nice and let me do some work.

After being “fixed,” the computer that once took 45 minutes to get up and running now took an hour to do so. If you’re a regular person, this would seem a step backwards; however, if you’re a contractor, this counts as a job well done and probably earned someone a performance bonus.