Spray your worries away with high-tech condom
July 23, 2008

Isn’t technology amazing? Computers used to fill entire rooms and cost a fortune; today, the average Joe can afford a computer that’s infinitely more powerful than yesteryear’s best machine, yet takes up less desk space than a toaster (why anyone would have a toaster on their desk is immaterial, so no letters, please). Or phones – the earliest ones were huge and hung on the wall, which made them completely useless if you wanted to use one in your car – especially since neither the extension cord nor the car had been invented yet. Today, though, when you’re not using your cell, you can leave it in your pocket until it rings during a meeting, in the movies, or at a funeral.

Speaking of things that fit in your pocket, condoms have for decades seemed immune to technological advances. If you discount ribbed, colored or flavored models, the venerable jimmy cap has not changed much since the first ones were made from the lining of sheep intestine.

Anyway, that may change soon. For the past several years German scientist Jan Vinzenz Krause has been beavering away, trying to make the world's most common prophylactic available in spray-on form.

According to Krause, the spray-on’s main advantage is that, unlike the conventional vending-machine rubber, it fits appendages of all sizes. This is important because, for a condom to work properly, it must not slip off. It also saves smaller guys the embarrassment of going through the Walgreen’s checkout line with a box of Trojans and a bag of rubber bands.

Krause said the high-tech love glove doesn’t come in a can like Easy-Off. This is too bad, because I can envision all sorts of TV commercials if it did – “Is that Condom-in-a-Can in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” On the other hand, in the heat of the moment you wouldn’t want to accidentally anoint the royal scepter with oven cleaner, so perhaps a spray can isn’t the best idea.

Krause said the spray-on party hat works much like a miniature car wash, employing a chamber lined with jets that distribute liquid latex over the masculine member. The entire process takes 10 seconds, with another 20 to 25 required for drying. However, Krause said he is trying to speed up the process – good news for lovers who crave the security and peace of mind a condom provides, yet still want to be finished before their spouses get home from work.

Like all new technologies, Krause’s invention has hit a few roadblocks. The first was when he tried to get his invention patented. Since condoms are considered medical products, the approval methods are extremely rigorous. But if you ask me, the patent issue is a piece of cake – his real problem is going to be convincing men to park the ol’ love-mobile in something that resembles a tiny Genie Car Wash.