Note to Portland: switch to decaf
July 16, 2008

Man, what is it with Portland? Does the rain get to people, or are they drinking too much coffee? Around here, you hear it characterized as one of the most civilized cities in the U.S. but a couple of recent stories from The City of Roses makes it sound as rowdy as the reddest redneck hamlet in Texas.

Last week, the cops arrested a motorist there after he ran into a bicyclist, knocked him onto the hood of his car, and took him on a two-block joyride before letting him off – unscathed but probably in need of some clean pants.

According to police reports, the fun began when the cyclist yelled at the driver to slow down. The cyclist told police that "his remarks may have included profanity." I know a number of cyclists and I can attest that saying his remarks may have included profanity is like saying they may have been formed of vowels and consonants.

Anyway, the cops found the driver and arrested him on charges of attempted second-degree assault, driving under the influence of intoxicants, third-degree criminal mischief and reckless driving. Fortunately for the driver, acting like a wanker is not a criminal offense in Portland.

The second story out of Portland this week is even stranger. A driver assaulting a cyclist is hardly news, but a cyclist assaulting a driver is a different thing altogether. And if the cyclist uses his bike as a weapon …well, now you’re talkin’ some serious news.

This story began as a motorist was driving in downtown Portland. A bicyclist passed him on the left and blew through a stoplight, so when he and the cyclist stopped at another light, the driver – himself an avid bike rider – chided the scofflaw for making other cyclists look bad.

The light turned green, the two continued in the same direction. In a sane world, that would be the end of it. But, as you have probably noticed, this is not a sane world. At the next stoplight, the cyclist, who the driver later described to the cops as "irritated and aggravated," started yelling and cursing him. "Let's go! You want to go?" the bicyclist shouted, challenging the driver to a fight.

The next thing the motorist knew, the cyclist was off his ride and wielding it ninja-style, smashing it into the motorist’s car. When the driver stepped out and told the cyclist to back off, the guy started beating him – with his bike. The fight ended when someone in the gathering crowd cold-cocked the cyclist.

Of course there’s nothing like a bike-whipping to attract a rowdy crowd and before you know it, the driver was surrounded and people – many of them bike riders – who called the cops to report that a motorist was roughing up a cyclist.

Once the cops arrived and imposed some semblance of order to the scene, they determined that the bicyclist was in the wrong. And, if a cyclist attacking a motorist with his bike weren’t funny enough, it turns out he was drunk at the time. Funnier still? He’s a city employee. And the capper? He works for the city of Portland – in the transportation department.

Or at least he does until his boss reads the paper.