Toto, I don’t think we’re in Austin anymore
July 2 , 2008

I guess when you live anywhere long enough, you forget that your little corner of the world isn’t the entire world, and that things outside your gates are different – sometimes real different.

I know that living in Austin will change your outlook. Things that once struck you as odd or unique no longer warrant a second glance. The near-naked transvestite who just tried to bum a smoke off of you? Yeah, he ran for mayor last year. Or the tanned, grinning goofball in line behind you at Whole Foods? Hey, Matthew – shirt’s still at the laundry, I see.

So, the other day I read that Portland, Oregon, came this close to dumping millions of gallons of water from a reservoir that serves as the city’s main water source. And what triggered this panic was not a terrorist attack, or a toxic chemical spill, or some weird algae bloom that threatened to mutate and take over the town. Nope, what so totally freaked out the mossbacks was a couple of hippies skinny-dipping in the reservoir.

A 28-year-old dude and his 23-year-old girlfriend were busted at 3 in the morning in one of two sections of the Mount Tabor Reservoir while swimming in part of the reservoir that was not being used. If that section had been in use, water bureau officials say they would have had to dump millions of gallons of water and possibly shut off the reservoir. The pair was arrested and cited for trespassing.

I have always heard that Portland was even greener than Austin, but arresting two people for skinny-dipping – even in the drinking water – is a little heavy-handed. I feel for the Portland city fathers, though – if a guy and girl swimming starkers in their water wigs them out that much, I hope they never find out what fish do in the stuff.

The other thing I read that underlined how different Austin is was a story from the other side of the continent. In Manchester, Connecticut, the cops busted a guy for walking along the highway wearing nothing but a thong, a wig and a pair of fake breasts.

Apparently this isn’t a common sight in Connecticut, because the cops were inundated with calls. They started a manhunt and searched for more than an hour before they cornered a suspect – a 42-year-old man whom they found fully clothed and collecting cans in an alley. They said they found a wig and a set of fake boobies in his car. He was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and simple trespass. He’s free now after posting $2,500 bail.

Twenty-five hundred bucks? That’s a lot of change for just about anyone – much less some dude picking up beer cans. I have some free advice for this guy – he needs to collect enough cans to buy a bus ticket to Austin. Not only will he not get arrested, he has a pretty good chance of becoming a celebrity.