And now, a brief interlude
June 25 , 2008

Briefs can be legal documents, or they can be underwear. And while this column is about underwear, it isn’t brief – certainly not brief enough, at any rate.

It’s also about legal briefs, as it involves two people who, totally unbeknownst to each other, have filed foundation-garment-related lawsuits.

The first brief involves not briefs but a thong. A Los Angeles woman is suing Victoria’s Secret because, she claims, a metal clip flew off her thong as she was getting dressed and hit her in the eye.

The 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer told NBC's "Today" show that she suffered cuts to her cornea from the small piece of metal that had been used to secure a rhinestone heart to the blue thong.

"I was putting on my underwear from Victoria's Secret and the metal popped in my eye. I was in excruciating pain. I screamed," she told NBC.

The woman claims that the injury caused her "excruciating pain."

Talk about your excruciating pain – how about the mental image of a 52-year-old meter maid putting on a thong? Good luck trying to un-think that. Makes we wish for an injury to my mind’s eye.

Her lawyer said the metal clip caused "severe damage" to her cornea that required a topical steroid. You know that severe damage has been done when the remedy is a topical steroid. Had it been any worse, she might have had to use a Band-Aid; a severe instance would have called for mommy to kiss the boo-boo.

A spokeswoman for Victoria's Secret could not immediately be reached for comment. I figure she’s probably busy either rolling on the floor laughing or gouging her eyes out.

The second brief actually does involve some briefs – kind of.

The undies in question belong to the New York City street performer known as The Naked Cowboy

For more than a decade the Naked Cowboy has been a fixture in Times Square, strumming a white guitar while clad only in white cowboy boots, a white cowboy hat, and skimpy white underwear. He works for tips, which admirers stuff into his … well, somewhere.

Robert Burck – aka the Naked Cowboy – is suing the Mars candy company for $6 million because they used an image of a blue M&M dressed in his signature outfit in an advertisement. A U.S. district court judge ruled “that consumers seeing defendants' advertisements would conclude -- incorrectly -- that he had endorsed M&M candy."

In addition to another disturbing mental image, this suit brings up a couple of questions. The first is, who decided that a picture of a blue M&M dressed in a white Stetson and tighty-whiteys is a good way to boost candy sales? My second question is, who would eat candy that’s dressed like a Chippendale dancer? And please, if you know the answer to that one, keep it to yourself. I’m still having nightmares about the meter maid and her thong.